Meshuganah Multiple’s Mom, Seeks Monied Mate

Mom Seeks Mate!

(“You can’t be too rich, too thin, or have too many kids.”)

Hi! My name is Nadya Suleman. I won’t bother to disguise my identity, because I’m world-famous! I’m even listed in Wikipedia! I’m the proud parent of fourteen children (and counting!). I’ve been called many things, but I adore “America’s favorite breeder.” Isn’t that sweet?! I have a wonderful life, but I’m a little lonely. Isn’t that funny?! You’d think, that with all of those disgusting diapers to change, babies to burp, and multiple mouths nipping my nips – that I wouldn’t have any time for love. Wrong!

I have strong needs, that even my kids can’t fulfill. And that’s why I placed an ad on Craigslist – in the hopes that I’d meet my mate. I don’t know why, but no one (in their right mind!) seems interested in dating me. Gosh, do you think that my large family, might scare them off? After all, Catholics have big families – and that’s considered cool. Okay, maybe my situation is a little different – but so what? I still need and deserve a little lusty lovin’ (yes, I’ll use birth control – if you insist).

Even though I’m going to star soon, in my own “reality” show – I don’t want to put “all of my eggs (wrong word choice, Nadya!) in one basket.” I’m afraid that I’ll attract some weirdo, who only wants me for my children. There are sick people out there (thank God, that I’m not one of them!), who might steal my babies, and sell them on the black market. Actually, I could use all of the cash that I can get - ‘cuz it’s gonna cost millions to raise those brats! I know that some people (try most) are calling me an opportunist – but I’d rather play mommy on TV, than have a crappy career (she literally, already has enough shit to deal with).

What I’m seeking in a potential husband, are the usual, appealing attributes, like: intelligence, kindness, big cock, good looks, and someone who’s filthy rich! I’m sorry, if that sounds superficial – but I’m gonna need gelt, if I wanna look svelte. I just need a few more, eensy plastic surgery procedures, and then – I’ll look perfect! I’m so totally over my Angelina Jolie phase. I’m debating about a combo, of Meg Ryan and Kate Hudson. A woman’s physical appearance is so important, especially when you’re a “role model” (for selfish stupidity), like I am. Not that I’m advocating, that every girl should be a future mom. But I honestly believe, that nothing is more important, than our future generations. I know, that we have a small overpopulation problem; but by the time my kids are adults – I’m sure that scientists will have fixed it. I applaud the Chinese, however, for enforcing their strict birth control laws. Because it means that (fucked up) women like me, can create burgeoning bawling broods – and no one can stop us! It all balances out; they have less, we have more.

Sorry, but I’ve gotta go, now. I have oodles of things to accomplish: Wal-Mart for new sheets – since three of my babies barfed bile on their bedding, my shrink appointment for “Baby Attachment Disorder,” and Safeway – where I’ll spend at least three hundred bucks, to feed their fat faces. But it’s so satisfying! Since I have help, I can bask in the limelight, while my nannies are working their asses off!

So, if you’re man enough to handle me (and my kids) please write me an e-mail. I’d also welcome your children, if you have any. What the hell, the “more the merrier!” As long as they start working, by age ten (to help pay the bills) – I’d love more kids! Then, I can not only have a television show, but a magazine – too!

NO: perverts, pimps or preemies!

Contributions are welcome!: Ivy League scholarships, condoms (since six of the octos are boys!), and “naughty” nursing bras.

 

~ by kissandkvell on April 22, 2009.